May 25 2012
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I Like Girls That Wear Abercrombie & Fitch

Summer jams? Memorial Day speaker blasters? Have fun getting white girl wasted this weekend. Allow your speakers to be just as drunk happy as you. We all know Call Me Maybe has probably already won the crown for most overplayed song of all mother fucking summers time. And Rhianna has hit us again with “Where Have You Been” but there is so much more out there. Behold:

This bitch can do no wrong. Seriously. Childhood movie favorite + the sickest beat ever? Have fun getting this out of your head. Except why would you want to?

This is what LMFAO is always suggesting we do, but less obnoxious. And actually funny. I don’t know why Wallpaper hasn’t exploded yet but I’m guessing by the end of this summer his time will have come.

This is one of those club bangers that may or may not get huge but you’ll feel like a VIP listening to righhht now.

Something about this song is just cool. Like really cool.

These guys are fucking awesome. And also at the cusp of taking the music world over. It may have something to do with one of them being from the best town on the face of the planet Montclair, New Jersey. But really. Timeflies are legit. And bound to get HUGE.

It’s time for a random Hall and Oates break. Because well this song will always be the shit. ALWAYS

Now summer jams don’t just mean heavy beats, simple rock can always do the trick.

This song isn’t new. But every time I’m pregamming for a night that I don’t want to remember I blast the hell out of this.

And when all else fails there’s always these guys. I think the lyrics deserve to be read while listening.

…lets all read a lot of Billy Shakespeare this summer.

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May 24 2012
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Swing Life Away

There’s this song by Rise Against, Swing Life Away. Its lyrics always seem to make their way to me when I’m thinking about Manhattan and its power to suck you in and spit you out. One lyric popped into my head tonight while I was doing my budget for June (why didn’t they tell us being an adult would be soooo fun) and all of a sudden I heard: “…they get by just fine here on minimum wage.” And I laughed. Guffawed actually.

Where is this magical land and how can I get a one way ticket there?

Don’t get me wrong I love Manhattan. But as a lesbian I’m really sick of getting fucked in the ass. Rent. Phone bill. Liquor prices. Whenever I’m at my grandparents house they like to throw around this word “savings”. I’m like the only thing I know how to save is the last few sips of my whiskey.

I really like my life. Scratch that. I love it. Until I get to the ATM and I’m like BUH REALLY DOUGH?!? I will be the first to admit that I’m a princess. I like to eat out and drink out. I’m just not cut out for the homebody life. I’m not in debt up to my eyeballs in student loans and I don’t plan on purchasing any from of property for at least 10 to 15 years. When my grandparents got married at the tender age of 19 and 21 they had a plan. Buy a house, have kids, retire at a reasonable age. I just don’t have that mindset. My plan goes something like: write, eat amazing food, drink, make friends and network, host parties, fall in love.

I’ve never had dreams of becoming something that would steadfast out the gate ensure that I make a shit ton of money. Doctor, lawyer, accountant blah blah blah. Not that I’m knocking them at all. If I could have survived med school I would absolutely be in it. But I’m this kid with some learning disorders and a knack for taking the hard way. I’d rather write and drink than study.

I’m not necessarily worried about our generation. But I’ve got questions for it. Maybe because my life is so gay centered I have a totally different perspective. My gay friends in their 30′s are still single and living with roommates. But than again so are a lot of my straight friends. Some have graduated. Others are still working through school. While others have realized (short term at least) that jobs like bartending will more than pay the bills for now.

I didn’t graduate college. Not to say that I won’t some day. But as of right now it isn’t my priority. I fucking hate school. I will sit and watch The History Channel all day. I can read anything for hours. But put me in a classroom and I’m dead on arrival. Granted I have grown up quite a bit, and been in the working world for a few years so I do give myself a little more credit at being able to get through school but as of right now I simply don’t want to. I also really have no fucking time to. Going to school means having a normal schedule, which conflicts with my night life and promoting schedule. Am I miserable without a college degree? Not so much. Am I naive enough to think that there aren’t certain opportunities that I can’t take advantage of because I don’t have a BA ? No.

We are a generation that wants everything done before we could have even thought about it happening. The future to me is tomorrow. It isn’t a year or a decade from now. Maybe I need to grow up. Maybe my priorities are all wrong. Yet as I write this, I sit in my dads office. A Carnegie Mellon graduate with a house and two kids. He is yelling at his two computer screens, blueprints are scattered all over his office floor. He has been here since 8:00 am. He will go home to a marriage that is less then perfect, eat dinner while attempting to forget his work day. Followed by him doing his jobs around the house, check a few emails, and go to sleep ready to do it all again tomorrow. NO FUCKING THANK YOU. Yes I know not everyone’s job is hell, but seriously only a lucky few skip their asses to work everyday. I’d like to be that minority. So maybe my lifestyle is a bit off kilter. But so far I’m enjoying it.

I lived an adult life for quite some time. I’ve been on my own since I was 17. For years I was angry. But one day I woke up and literally said “fuck it”. Fuck my families issues. Fuck people who call me a dyke or a fag. FUCK IT. We may not get here just fine on minimum wage, but we get by.

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May 21 2012
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Sorry I’m Not Sorry

With warm weather rushing towards us like Lindsay Lohan’s impending future overdose, winter has never seemed so far away. Summers glory is about to take the fuck over. And what goes best with warm weather?

Alcohol.

We drink in the winter to get over how ridiculously depressing it is that the sun goes down at 4pm. Where as we drink in the summer to simply well…get white girl wasted by 4pm. But there is one problem. The achilles heal to getting your drink on. The po po. Finding ways to drink outside is the adult version of trying to chew gum in class. So what do we do?

We get crafty.

Now clearly the alcohol industry wants us to be able to drink outside just as much as we all want to proof you ask?

So technically this is for some “classy’ no blender margarita business aka the laziest party host ever. I’m thinking they kind of just look like over sized aduly Capri Suns. And who doesn’t fucking love Capri Sun? Hopefully Mr. Officer does.

Sissy fruity drinks not your thing? No worries. Clearly catering to the folks on Intervention and um me, they’ve put all of our favorite liquors into small pocket size pouches.
Be-fucking-hold:

Now these also lead us into a whole ‘nother territory. Living in Manhattan we all deal with some ridiculously expensive drink prices. We sigh about it and foot the bill, but seriously sometimes you need to pay your Con Ed bill. I know this walks the line of the lady that brings her “big bag” to the buffet. Buuuutt what’s the harm in maybe ordering a soda and slipping one (three) of these bad boys in? If any of my bartender friends are reading this I’m totally joking well no I’m not but I promise I will never do it at your bar. Pinkie promise.

The universal please arrest me sign is a brown paper bag. Don’t be that idiot. Also don’t be that asshat that thinks you can drink out of a fucking Solo cup. You can’t. The city isn’t your extended beer pong playground. You can’t take a winners lap around Washington Square. I’m sorry. But you can’t. You know what you can do? You can do this:

This is essentially unequivocally the best thing that I have ever fucking seen.

Ever.

No really. Ever.

But there are these handy dandy tools as well:


So technically these are for bikers, runners, you know people working out. But those who treat drinking in public as seriously as I do know that it IS a sport. Pump this full of whatever you want. Throw it on your back, and enjoy an alcohol IV all day long.

Now I hate feet. Like really fucking hate them. So I’m not ever trying to go this route. But if shoe liquor is up your alley Reef has you covered.

Now if you know me, you know that my middle name is class (see entire blog above as proof). As the classy mofo I am, my summer outdoor drink of choice is one fine lady. Her name? Sofia. In my book there is never a bad time for champagne. Get a job, lose a job, win the lotto, win a free taco, whatever it is Champagne goes right along with it. Hand in hand.

Champagne in a can? I know. Your head is spinning. I just gave you way too many good ways to booze outside of bars and restaurants. You can drunk thank me later. Oh and good news, if you do happen to get caught by a cop you’ll just get a ticket. And everyone knows paying a ticket is totally optional.

Like I said. Hand in hand.

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May 16 2012
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Somebody That I Used to Know

Sometimes we become the people we’ve always hated. Sometimes we change ourselves and see no recognition. At times we love with all of our hearts and get that love back. And at times we don’t deserve that love. And at times that person doesn’t deserve our love. Love is as much cruel as it is kind. It is both beautiful and ugly. It can lie and trick and deceive but it can also be the best thing to ever happen.

This is about love:

I wish with every ounce of me that I could hate you. I wish that the part of my brain that has always been able to shut people out in the past, would somehow function when it comes to you. But there is nothing I can do. My brain works on overdrive all the time. I wonder if other people feel the way I do? A song can break my heart. A painting can make me fall in love. It’s like a shiver. How I feel. When something hits me, it impacts me. I can’t remember a name from a face I met two seconds ago. But I can remember sentences from strangers that made me cry. I can recall exactly what my heart felt in every moment where tears hit. It hurts sometimes. I feel so much it hurts. Not like a bruise or even a scrape. Like a fucking wound. If an ocean wave could fire a gun shot that is exactly what I feel.

But back to you. I do actually in a way hate you. But I do in more than one way see myself in you. We all hate parts of ourselves. I hate the part of myself that is you. It does me no good to give a shit about you. I know, because you couldn’t give a shit to show that you do. Yet I know you do. So I’m ok with it. But just a little bit.

I forgot to shut the part of my brain down that allows things to permeate. If it’s off I can leave. I can forget you, and her, and them. I won’t even blink an eye. I’ve done it before. I’ve been you. I’m sorry. Being young is a blood sport. It’s a testament of our natural fear of death that their aren’t more suicides.

Sometimes the best treatment for something is to leave it alone. You can get shot, and the doctors will leave in the bullet. Saying removing it, will actually do more harm than good. You are that bullet. You pierced me; I opened up. I shot you back; you retaliated with tears. Real, human fears. You let me in because you had forgotten to pull your gate down. I knew you wouldn’t be more than a second. A breath in my timeframe of love. Yet I let it happen. Like whiskey I drank you, and like whiskey you felt good, and like whiskey you felt bad, and like whiskey in the end you are a poison. But like that bullet left in a soldier you can stay. Scar tissue will grow over you. But. You can stay.

We are all victims of our past. We are all too scared to really feel. Skin a peach. It suddenly looks like raw meat. Skin your own memory it is as raw as that peach. No not everything about the past is bad. Good times were had. But those moments that crushed me, Jesus do they have to happen again?

You can’t breathe under water. But you can hold your breath. You can look at a sea world you aren’t a part of, but you are just visiting. That is how I felt the entire time I was with you. I was holding my breath. I just never thought it would take me so fucking long to resurface.

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May 14 2012
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It’s Going to Linger

So I’m going to make a statement and then you’re all going to get all gay mad. K? K.

Gay people take longer to grow up in relationships than straight people. Bam. Said it. Judge me. So I said it. Now I’ll back it up.

When straight people are 13 through let’s say 23 (this age can extend to about 30 in NYC) they go through a phase called growing up. They date. Lose their virginity. Experiment. Blah blah blah. Then around 24 their families are all SO WHEN ARE YOU GETTING MARRIED? And thus the rush to baby making begins.

Now when gays grow up (for the most part unless you’re lucky enough to live in a liberal ass town Montclair hay) you simply fit in. For middle school and high school you realize that this straight shit just isn’t for you. But because you’re not trying to attempt social suicide you go through all the motions. Then college hits and you’re like o shit. And then you graduate and hit the real world and you’re like OH SHIT.

Straight life cycles and gay life cycles are different. Gay marriage is illegal in more states than it is legal. Most gays don’t have to even think about marriage. So we cut loose. We date and fuck like gay chickens who’ve glitter bombed the McDonalds factory and never have to worry about being nuggets.

I love my gays. But if you haven’t had your first “real” relationship until you’re in your twenties well, marriage and all of that is just much too far off for you to even grasp.

A lot of crap is given to the bisexual community. They’re often ostracized out of the LGBT because we feel we have the right to pass them off as skanks who just can’t choose. If that’s the case I know a whole lotta lesbians who may as well start calling themselves bi because they treat the dating world like an all you can eat Chinese Buffet. I have friends that walk into clubs and their eyes light up like a fat kid at 16 Handles (ok I’m absolutely guilty of that shit is delicious). But honestly how dare you all hate on bisexuals for doing the same exact crap?

Being a young lesbian is essentially like being stuck in some combination of a bar and a locker room. A barker room. Everyone is competing to look the best, fuck the best, and hangout with the best. High school part two with about 50x the alcohol and no parents. I know all your thinking is:
Her life is AWESOME!

Kill me.

We are but a blip in the dating scene. Gays mix into daily work life and life in general. Many of us still have to hide who we are at the office for fear of being fired. For being punished for who we choose to love. So can you really blame us for going ape shit at parties and clubs? It’s like when Catholic School girls transfer to Public School. MAYHEM. And while I’m ok with cutting loose I just wish we could grow up. Just a little bit. With all the Peter Pan dykes rolling around (Peter Pan Dyke – a lesbian who refuses to be an adult) what can we expect? Well I expect a lil respect. And a little hindsight. Falling in love isn’t the worst thing that can happen to you. Being gay is not a gateway drug into slutdum. And if all else fails remember this mantra:

Think before you finger because that pussy gonna linger.

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May 11 2012
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The 20 Things That Will Happen On Any Lesbian Vacation

1. Matching shirts. Preferably with nicknames and numbers. Because the last time you were with this many lesbians was playing college sports. And clearly as a herd of lesbians you don’t already look like a fucking semi pro team.

2. Bring your fair share of cut off tees. Utilize neon in any accessory possible.

3. Its not a casual wear kind of outfit without your headband.

4. Begin speaking only in inside jokes.

5. Make best friends with a new group of girls in the time it takes to buy them shots.

6. Realize how small the lesbian world is when in that new group of friends you realize you actually: played basketball with one of them, date one of their exs, live across the hall from their great aunt.

7. Take as many pictures as possible showcasing the amount of liquor you are consuming. All alcoholic bottles must be in pictures. MUST.

8. Makeout with the friend you PROMISED you never would.

9. Get into at least one insanely stupid emotional fight with either and ex or fellow team member (best friend).

10. Forget to eat.

11. Become the whore I mean “da man” you’ve always dreamed of.

12. Blackout during daytime hours.

13. Wakeup amongst strangers…and than go to breakfast with them.

14. Lose one friend to them being belligerently drunk. Freak out. Only to find them making out with some girl in the bushes.

15. Have some serious drunken heart to hearts. Including at least one over informing game of “Never Have I Ever”.

16. Puke on a friend.

17. Be involved in some form of competitive sporting event. (flip cup)

18. Lose your phone.

19. Make fun of every group that isn’t yours.

20. Fall in (“omg this was totally unexpected”) love.

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May 10 2012
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This City

I get reckless in this city.
Restless with every flash of light.
Like gun shots.
Nights that anywhere else would be peaceful.
Would keep me.

I meet beautiful strangers.
They sing lullabies that should keep me.
But their minds are no more than taxi cabs.
They drop off and receive.

Eyes that lack direction.
Skin radiating perfection.
My words wasted on skin.
Narcism always sets in.

Not even rain here is beautiful.
It washes filth onto grime.

And than it dries.

But you can smell rain water.
Like you can smell the salt of your tears.
And even as the skies and your eyes clear.
Something still lingers.
Something like a memory.

So bar stool keep me.
Whiskey wake me.
Reap me.
Hell put me to sleep.
Make me feel what I push deep.
Make me know my shadow.
The other side of me.
Dreams that I don’t have to close my eyes to see.

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May 09 2012
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Give a Fuck

Separation of Church and…o wait I forgot that down south little things like the constitution don’t matter. Call me a Northerner with bias. Actually call me whatever the fuck you want I’m not a fan of the politics down south. Not the politics now, not the politics a hundred years ago. Yes I know bigotry exists everywhere it just seems to have set up camp in the southern states. From slavery to Jim Crow to gay marriage, the south kinda sorta sucks when it comes to human rights. Try and tell me different and I will gay punch you.

It is of absolutely no shock to me that this amendment passed. Come on you aren’t shocked. Angry yes. Shocked? No way. We all just watched as Rick Santorum had a serious run and good shot at winning the GOP nod for president. If people were voting for that fool people are voting against gay marriage. It’s idiot arithmetic. What is shocking about today is that (hold onto your seats) PRESIDENT OBAMA FINALLY CAME OUT IN SUPPORT FOR GAY MARRIAGE I mean it only took him a full fucking term. But he is the first president to ever do so. EVER. So serious cheers are in honor. For real. Thank you Obama.

“I’ve always been adamant that gay and lesbian Americans should be treated fairly,” Obama told Roberts, in an interview that will air in full on ABC’s “Good Morning America” Thursday.

“I have to tell you that over the course of several years as I have talked to friends and family and neighbors when I think about members of my own staff who are in incredibly committed monogamous relationships, same-sex relationships, who are raising kids together, when I think about those soldiers or airmen or marines or sailors who are out there fighting on my behalf and yet feel constrained, even now that Don’t Ask Don’t Tell is gone, because they are not able to commit themselves in a marriage, at a certain point I’ve just concluded that for me personally it is important for me to go ahead and affirm that I think same sex couples should be able to get married,” he said. -Huffington Post

With that said why the flying fuck did it take you so long? The past four years have seen so much movement in the gay rights spectrum yet you have remained mum. Joe Biden stepped up. Tens of Republicans stepped up (against it) but you sir, you were silent. What gives? As a black man you understand what it can be like to be hated before you even open your mouth. Racism and homophobia are this countries achilles heels. We’ve obviously made huge strides in the racism department but it does still linger in our countries past.

A lot of people do not want homophobia compared to racism, but I see little difference. The same hate that I have received for being black I have received for being gay. Different words that mean the same thing: I hate you for who you are. In the 50′s and 60′s both black and white Americans got angry. They saw what racism was doing to this country. What it would continue to do to this country. They united and spoke out. They were arrested, beaten, held in cells for days,THEY DIED. People died for your rights. What have you done for gay rights? What are you willing to do to ensure that our children can marry whomever they choose? Are you angry? Are you angry enough? Do you care enough? Start.

I’m not asking the gays to create an army equipped with glitter bazookas and plaid pistols. But I am asking you as an individual whether you are gay or straight to give a fuck.

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May 09 2012
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Nutter Butter

She took up anywhere from 3 months to 3 years you’re damaged, you’re confused, in the back of your mind all you keep thinking is “but she was so god.damn.pretty” None of your friends were nice enough to fill you in fully. They were too scared. Here are some signs that chickita is loco:

Your friends have kept on hanging out together but somehow your invite never got to you.

Shit. Changes.
You suddenly have a bunch of new hobbies (hers) and your old ones seem really stupid. “Like grow up already.” Its cool. Totally. It was time to expand your horizons. And man. Is. She. Hot.

You’ve always been a meat eater but being a vegan is totally better for the environment (your sanity). You’re too hungry to even have sex. You buy some Power Bars and get over it. You’re pooping sawdust. But. Its. Cool. Because. She’s so. Hot.

You’ve heard it. We’ve all heard it. The crazies like to hang out. All. The. Time.
There is never EVER enough US time. She is always constantly forever asking “What.about.me!?!?” So you make time. Because. She’s so. Hot.

You don’t think of her first because you want to you think of her first because you HAVE to. Because she may stab you if youfuckup. But its cool. Because. She’s so. Hot.

You had to change names in your phone. Because any other girl is clearly trying to get in your pants. You now have 10 entries for Grandma. Its totally ok that you have no idea who you’re texting. Its fine. Really. Because. She’s so. Hot.

Your music taste? What music taste. Her music is obviously better. Why? Dude its because she’s so hot.

She watches you while you sleep.
(laugh it up, this shit is hilarious, until its not) But its totally ok. Waking up to her enlarged pupils beaming down on your head is fine. Because damn she’s so fucking hot.

Friends. You gotta let a kid know. Chances are current friend dating hot wackadoo will protest at first. They will kick and scream and be all “you are SO wrong you don’t know her like I do” Be kind at first for they have been abused. And than. Slowly. Bring out the big guns. Make a Venn Diagram. Bust out a pie chart. Turn all Intervention and write a letter of hope. In the instance where the girl is just too hot, your friend is so used to the burn that they’ve simply developed a tougher skin. Don’t. Give. Up. The time shall come when we all need to be saved. It can’t be done alone. Because. She’s too. Hot.

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May 08 2012
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Who We Are

Reblogged from Queergrub:

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When I was in Kindergarten, when we would play house; I was always the boy. Either the husband, dad, the boyfriend, brother etc. What ever male role needed to be filled, I was glad to play it. This was met with absolutely no disdain from any of my girl friends. None of us wanted to add any “real boys” into our world.

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